


Landslide

by des_oiseaux



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: A lot of sun!, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, F/F, I just love love but it comes with issues, In their thirties, Love, Trixie's a country singer, but also fluff, they're married
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-19
Updated: 2018-04-19
Packaged: 2019-04-25 00:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14366601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/des_oiseaux/pseuds/des_oiseaux
Summary: Two wives stuck in a cabin in the mountains - they love each other, but fame and fear is currently creating a space between them.





	1. Collision Course

**Author's Note:**

> hi! :) so this story is my homage to love, in general (certainly not just romantic), which i personally believe is the thing that matters the most. i also want to encourage people not to give up on the people they truly love. in this case, that means not giving up on your wife. i hope you like it, and if you do, please let me know!

Present day - _Jotunheimen, Norway_

"There is no opposite of learning. There is taking and giving. Gaining and losing. Leaving and returning. Loving and detesting. There is no opposite of learning." Katya shuts the book and throws it to the floor. It lands with a loud thud. 

"Hear that, love, there is no opposite of learning," Katya says in an aggressive tone. A little more aggressive than intended, but she doesn't care. Not now. 

Trixie flinches and looks at her from where she's sitting buried under an old raggedy blanket, her brown eyes blazing. 

"Maybe that's true. But it's very well possible _not_ to learn, isn't it?" Katya keeps on going, unable to stop herself. She's not sure if she wants to, anyway. 

"Yeah, it's not like I've done something out of the usual, so why do you get so mad all of a sudden? So, _so_ mad? And what about you, are you just perfect now, all of a sudden? What about your mistakes?" Trixie's voice is loud, and she's risen from the chair, the blanket falling off her. 

"Why don't you just go then? I might as well live in this cabin forever, alone, and I would be just as invisible as I always am," Katya says, clenching her jaw. 

Trixie takes a small step back. She seems hurt. Hurt and angry, and she says, "believe me, I'd go. I'd go if it wasn't for the fact that we're stuck in this cabin in the middle of _nowhere_ , and no one's picking us up for another two days. 'Ah, let the wives go to a cabin in fucking _Norway_ , so they can rest.' Your aunt and her great ideas." 

With that she drops back into the chair so heavily it creaks beneath her. And then she stays silent. 

*

Summer 2007 - _Jackson, Mississippi_

“Aren’t you a little young to be in a bar?” Katya swiped a rag over the pretty girl’s table, leaving a dark line behind on the wooden surface, looking like a stain. 

“Aren’t you a little young to work as a waitress in a bar?” The pretty girl said, pouting her pink mouth a little. 

“I know the owner. I’m 21, anyway. What’s your excuse?” 

“I’m only two years younger than you. And I’m gonna sing for you,” the girl answered, giving Katya a wink. Her lashes were extremely long and dark. 

“Hey Trixie! You’re on now!” Matthew shouted from where he was standing on stage, untangling some chords. 

“Beware of the singing lady,” Trixie said to Katya, and she carried her white guitar up onto the stage, her hips swinging and her high heels clacking on the linoleum floor. 

Later in the evening Trixie found Katya out in the back, smoking a cigarette and leaning against the concrete wall. 

“That kills you, you know,” she said, putting one hand on the wall next to Katya, leaning her weight on it. Katya couldn't help but notice how upfront and ridiculously beautiful she was. Yet, she wasn't going to suddenly start being a polite person just because of this girl's pretty face. 

“Trixie, is it? Well, frankly I don’t care, _Trixie_ , but thanks for warning me,” Katya raised her eyebrows, daring Trixie to retort as sassy. 

“Don’t want all the pretty girls to die, you know. It would get a little lonely.” 

That made Katya laugh, which made her cough, the smoke getting stuck in her throat. She blinked away the tears in her eyes, flicking away her cigarette butt. 

“What are you, some singing lesbian?” Katya asked, shifting her weight around so that she faced Trixie. 

“Yes, that’s exactly what I am. And how about you, some queer smoker?” 

Katya coughed a couple of times more, said, "Yes, you got me there." 

\- 

The summer of 2007 was the summer Katya fell in love with Trixie. 

If it was in that bar, listening to her sing many evenings on end, if it was in the clubs, them dancing to various remixes of Rihanna's _umbrella_ , or if it was sitting on dry grass, Trixie's head in her lap, watching her when she closed her eyes, Katya can't tell. It's hard to say now exactly when it happened, but by the end of August she had fallen for everything that was Trixie Mattel. She'd fallen for the way she leaned into Katya every time she touched her, how she scream-laughed when Katya said something funny and weird, how she bit her thumb nail while considering something. 

She fell in love with her, but her patience was tested, because they didn't even share a kiss until thanks giving. But when they did, share a kiss, that is, it was worth the wait. 

Katya's family is Russian, so they don't celebrate thanks giving, and therefore Trixie had said "screw it", and they ended up spending the holiday in a park, shivering from the cold, but completely alone. The park was silent, the only sound coming from the occasional passing car. They sat on a fleece blanket, a pack of grapes and a few pieces of mud cake on the blanket beside them. It was dark, and the stars could actually be seen in the sky for once. When Trixie looked up at the constellations Katya looked at her, loving the way the stars somehow got reflected in her eyes. She moved closer to her, her shoulder touching Trixie's. 

"You think you're clever, don't you?" Trixie said, glancing at Katya, and leaning the tiniest bit into her. 

"I'm pretty clever, actually." 

"You're flirting with me. Obviously," Trixie said, and there was a sparkle in her brown eyes, one that couldn't possibly come from the stars. One corner of her mouth was raised in a teasing half smile. 

"I-" Katya didn't know what to say to that. She was in love with her, that's what it was. The words got stuck in her throat, but finally she managed to say it. "I'm, uhm, don't take this badly, because I want us to be friends anyhow, and all, so... the thing is, Trixie Mattel, I'm, uh- well, I'm in love with you." 

Trixie's eyes widened for a second, but then they softened as she gave Katya the purest smile in the world. Katya had painted that smile so many times, the creases around her mouth making her face even more beautiful than it already was. She would have that smile painted on her tombstone if she could. Then Trixie kissed Katya for the first time. She simply laid her warm hand on Katya's cheek and closed the space between them. Her lips were soft, but not too soft, and they tasted like Oreos and lipstick, which was the best combination ever, in Katya's opinion. A warmth spread though Katya's body, like a physical reaction to all the love she felt for Trixie. When she drew away, Trixie opened her eyes, looking at Katya the way Katya must have been looking at Trixie. Like she was the answer to all mysteries in life. 

"I wondered when you were going to say that," Trixie said, pushing Katya down on the blanket and rolling on top of her, meeting her lips once again. 

* 

Present day - _Jotunheimen, Norway_

Trixie falls asleep in her chair, but Katya can't stop walking restlessly around the cabin. She carries down wool blankets from the loft, stacks away the Easter decorations her aunt has left out. Checks the mouse traps. Anything so she doesn't have to look at Trixie with this anger she has for her right now. 

The floor is icy cold, so cold Katya can feel it even through her thick layers of woollen socks. Still, the air is warm and stuffy, the sun reflected from the snow heating up the small space. Everything is too stuffy. With anger, with tension, with words left unsaid for too long. 

* 

Spring 2008 – _Jackson, Mississippi_

No one helped Katya more when her mental health sucked than Trixie. 

In 2009 she started having bad anxiety attacks, which is one of the hardest things Katya's had to deal with to this day.  
She remembers crouching on the front steps of Trixie's apartment, waiting for her to come home, tears staining her face and shivers running through her body, deeply scared of things a part of her knew were highly unrealistic. That part of her was not in charge at that moment. When Trixie's heels finally clacked on the pavement in front of her she was breathing in hitches. 

"Katya? Katya, love, what is it? What's wrong?" Trixie said, her voice rising as she bent down besides Katya, pushing her hair out of her face. 

Katya couldn't get any words out, she just leaned into Trixie's shoulder, shaking. 

"Okay, it will pass, babe. Just breathe. It's not dangerous. I'm here now, just breathe," Trixie said, holding on to Katya. 

\- 

Trixie followed Katya to her therapist many times, she sat outside, waiting, while they talked. That spring Trixie said, "I can't make your recovery for you, but I will be there, with you. You are not alone." And that she proved over and over again. 

That spring wasn’t only anxiety attacks and therapists. It was also riding their bikes through town, Katya making Trixie laugh so hard she toppled over. It was watching bad reality shows with their friends, screaming at the television. It was coming early to the bar to meet Matthew and practice new songs for Trixie to play. It was them walking through the aisles in the grocery store and Trixie singing loudly, Katya hushing her, but unable to stop herself from smiling. And it was waking up in Trixie’s bed, sunlight making her skin glow where she was still sleeping. 

She would lie there beside her, whispering "moye solntse" to her, her breath stirring Trixie's blonde hair. She would think how it was true, that Trixie really was her sun. 

* 

Present day – _Jotunheimen, Norway_

“Are you just going to be quiet? You had one outburst, and I can tell you meant it, and now you’re heating canned soup?” Trixie sits down by the kitchen table, rests her elbows on the polished wood. 

“It’s the afternoon, it’s time for dinner. I’m hungry,” Katya stirs the soup restlessly. 

Trixie snorts. “You’re not hungry. You don’t care for food. I know you. You’re my wife, remember?” 

“Oh yeah. I remember. But do you? In all your interviews, do you remember me? You love me, okay, but what about your fans, do you love me as much as them?” 

Trixie sighs, slams her palms down on the table. “Of course, Katya. I can’t compare you to them.” 

Katya stares down at the soup, wishing it could make her less angry at Trixie. “The problem is that I disappear, Trixie. I disappear.” Maybe it would have been better if her voice just cracked, if she broke down. But her voice just raises, getting way too loud for this tiny cabin. 

“Is that why you don’t talk to me? Why you didn’t tell me the attacks are back? Why you don't tell me that you feel that this fame separates us? Why you don't tell me you're hurting? You build a wall around yourself, and you used to let me in, but now you don’t. You just don’t.” 

Katya puts down two bowls on the table, hard. She doesn’t reply. She doesn’t know how to. 

* 

Summer 2010 – _Chicago, Illinois_

"Katya! _Katya!_ " Trixie shook Katya by her shoulders, a wide smile on her face. 

“Trixie! _Trixie!_ ” Katya said, grabbing Trixie’s shoulders too. 

“I got the job! Listen, I got the job. This is the biggest thing that has happened to me like _ever_!” Trixie hugged Katya tightly, and she could feel her smiling into her neck. 

“Oh my god, babe, that’s amazing!” Katya drew back and placed a kiss on Trixie’s lips, standing on her tiptoes, “I don’t get why, of course, you don’t even sing that well- “Trixie hit her in the shoulder, but laughed, kissing Katya again. 

Katya had been scared of leaving Mississippi, but when Matthew had suggested that Trixie should go work at a highly esteemed music bar in Chicago, "DeeDee's", there wasn't a doubt in Katya's mind that she'd follow. 

And when Trixie got the job Katya felt nothing but joy, even though that meant left behind her whole life in Jackson, at least she wouldn't be leaving behind her heart. 

Those days in Chicago are some of the best in Katya's life. It's not really possible to "rank" your days, but if she was going to, she would put those days in the top. 

Trixie built quite a fanbase in Chicago, and she got to start writing and performing her own songs. Katya got a job as a yoga instructor, which had been one of her biggest dreams since she was a young girl. They met lots of new people, people who were a little more openminded than back in Jackson. 

And more than anything, they loved each other more every day. 

Love's a funny thing. It creeps up on you when you least expect it. When Trixie pouted as Katya cleaned up her overdrawn lip with a paper towel. When she laughed when someone in the audience at DeeDee's poked fun at her, that half smile, covering her face with her hand. When she came home with new shirts for Katya, because she knew Katya hates shopping. When she bit her pen, writing words for her a new song on some random piece of debris. When she made fun of Katya when she was doing yoga, saying stuff like, “the woman praises the sun, she looks like she’s doing aerobics.” 

\- 

One night, in the early autumn of 2012, a woman showed up at DeeDee's in a huge, poufy, violet dress, looking all business, in a very eccentric way. Her style was not the custom at DeeDee's, so there were quite a few eyes on her as she sat in the audience during the show. Katya could notice how nervous Trixie was when it was her turn on stage. She played beautifully, but she didn't say anything, which has never been normal behaviour for Trixie. Katya overheard her talking to the woman in the dress after the show, the woman saying "I think you're incredible, Trixie Mattel. I don't know why you haven't been discovered yet, but I'll blame that on my luck. You really are a star." 

In October Trixie got signed with the woman's record label, and before long she had music out, and suddenly Katya wasn't the only one who loved Trixie Mattel. 

* 

Present day – _Jotunheimen, Norway_

Katya’s playing charades. Outside it’s dark, and the cabin’s completely quiet except for the sound of Katya flipping the cards. Trixie’s standing by the window, her hand on the glass. It must be cold, Katya thinks. She wants to take her hand in hers and warm it. She wants to hold her and feel her calm breath on her neck. This fight is stupid. But in a way it was a long time coming.  
“  
How long?” Trixie doesn’t move from the window, but her voice is loud and clear. 

“Huh?” Katya drops the card she’s holding. Queen of hearts. 

“How long have I done you wrong? Since the wedding? Since Chicago? Since _Jackson_?” She turns away from the window, looks Katya dead in the eye. 

Katya mumbles, “no, no, no,” but Trixie doesn’t seem to hear her. 

“A relationship is never perfect, Katya. And you should tell me how you feel. But it’s always been us.” She walks across the floor, opens the door to the bedroom. 

"Have you ever thought about the fact that it's all for you? Nothing would work without you, Katya. All the songs, the words, the tunes. They're all for you. And if you don't get that I don't know what to do. What's gonna happen. With us." Her voice cracks on the last word, and she shuts the door, just failing to shut out the sound of a sob. 

* 

Winter 2015 – _Berkeley, California_

“-this is bad, Laurie. This is really bad, isn’t it? Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Trixie swore into the phone, throwing the magazine she’d been holding onto the couch. 

Katya picked it up, read the big, ugly letters on the front page; “Country singer gets ENGAGED to _older_ **woman!** ” 

Trixie hung up the phone, threw that away too. 

“I’m two years older than you, I wouldn’t consider myself an “older woman”,” Katya said, but the smile on her face disappeared quickly when she saw how scared Trixie looked. 

They’d never been told to keep their relationship a secret, but there was a silent agreement with Trixie’s management that it was something the media shouldn’t write much about. Something about Trixie’s image. A whole load of bullshit, in Katya’s opinion. And now, apparently, the fact that Katya had proposed to Trixie was out in the open, and honestly Katya felt like that was a good thing. But Trixie was scared. 

“I’ll never get any more music out. The fans, what're they gonna think of me? Maybe they’re all homophobes.” She said, walking around in nervous circles. 

Then she picked up the phone again, dialled a number, and walked out the front door. 

When Katya stepped outside she was already in their car, speeding away. It was raining, and heavy drops landed on Katya's face, mingling with a tear that was suddenly running down her cheek. She felt like the gloomy grey skies were pushing her down, making her limbs heavy. She stood like that for a long time, the rain making her shiver where she was standing, waiting for her sun. 

* 

Present day – _Jotunheimen, Norway_

Katya lies on the couch in the cabin, looking at the wooden ceiling. It feels weird to go to bed without Trixie, knowing that she is in the room next door. It reminds her of long nights in boring motel rooms, waiting for Trixie to come home from venues, pretending to be asleep when she finally opened the door. 

She thinks about watching masses of people loving her, her Trixie, from the back of the crowd. She thinks about sitting behind the floodlights in a studio, watching Trixie's hands, the hands she loves, plucking strings precisely on her guitar. She thinks about all the emotion she can always hear in her love's voice when she listens to her on the radio. And she wonders why she ever feels so alone, when it's really all for her.


	2. Mirror In The Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the part where you find your headphones and put on landslide (Fleetwood Mac). :)

Summer 2016 – _Jackson, Mississippi_

The ceremony of Trixie and Katya's wedding was small and simple and better than anything they could've ever dreamed of. Katya had never really dreamed of a wedding, she didn't see it as necessary, but Trixie definitely had. And it was ultimately nowhere near the wedding she had ended up having, but that didn't matter. The aisle was decorated with white flowers, yellow light falling over their families seated on the benches. Katya fiddled with her braided hair as she waited for Trixie to come down the aisle. When she did she looked beautiful as ever, her blonde hair cascading over her bare shoulders, her white dress as bright as a snow-covered mountainside. For Katya the wedding was mostly getting to see the person she loved filled with joy, and that was worth the hassle. 

The party was great, and after the toasts, the tears shed, and Katya's aunt shouting drunkenly in Norwegian the band started playing Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time", and Trixie took Katya's hand and led her to the dancefloor. There they held each other, dancing to that slightly cheesy song, maybe understanding what the words really meant. 

*

Present day – _Jotunheimen, Norway_

It takes a long time for Katya to fall asleep, because she can't stop thinking about how terrible life would be for her without Trixie. At some point in the night she realised that the feeling she has towards Trixie really was fear, and not anger. When she finally falls asleep, it's only to be woken up by a loud bang of the front door of the cabin just a few hours later. Even as disoriented as Katya is, she jumps out of the couch, making it to a window. Outside she can see Trixie in her big coat, setting off up a trail Katya knows leads to some rocky mountainsides. Katya doesn't know what triggers it, but she suddenly has the urge to follow her, she feels that maybe, _maybe_ , that, in a way, might make things right again. 

The terrain is not too rough, but the snow makes the walking a lot heavier. She goes with high speed, not really wishing to reach the mountainsides, but to reach Trixie. Trixie walks fast, and for a long while the only trace of her Katya can see are the footprints she's left behind in the snow. The sun is a bright mirror in the sky, shining happily, like it doesn't see the dread inside Katya. 

When she finally catches up with Trixie the hillsides are gleaming in front of them, intensely white. Trixie's brown coat stands out among the mounds of powdery snow. She seems surprised to see her, and she looks like she's about to say something, but Katya beats her to it. 

"I'm scared. I-" she takes a deep breath, "I don't talk to you, and then I get scared. I get scared because I forget that we're in this together, that we built this life for us, together. The masses freak me out, because I'm scared they'll take you from me. And I know that's irrational. But I'm just so, so scared of losing you, Trixie Mattel." 

Katya can't tell if it's because of the bright light reflected in the snow, or all the emotions swirling inside of her, but she can feel her eyes stinging. Her right hand is shaking a little, and the cool winds sweep across her cheeks, the icy cold seeping into her skin. 

Trixie says nothing. She just draws a rattling breath as she takes a step toward her, the snow crunching beneath her boots. 

At that moment a rumble sounds through the valley where they stand, so loud it shakes Katya to the core. A movement from the hilltop in the distance catches Katya's eye, and she grabs Trixie by the waist, pulling her over to where she's standing. A trail of quickly falling snow is making its way down the mountainside, taking more and more mass with it as it goes. It's a terrible beauty, and in races down the hill like a reminder of the fact that the world is alive. 

Even though the landslide is a long distance away, Katya's heart is beating loudly in her ears, and she grabs Trixie's hand, shouting, "I think we should go!", the sound nearly drowned by the roar from the mountain. Trixie had been looking at the commotion in awe, and when she looks back at Katya her eyes soften as she smiles and nods. She kisses her right then, both their lips cold, but soft. She laces her hands through her curly hair, holding on to her wife like her life depends on it. And in a way, it does. And in a way it feels like the most important kiss that's happened at any point in human history. 

They walk back to the cabin, their footsteps fast, holding each other's hands like they've done so many times before. 

\- 

"I don't want to lose you either, you know," Trixie says, and Katya laughs at how obvious that sounds. 

"I want us to be forever. Simple as that. And a lot of times wanting something badly doesn't really do anything. But with us, it does." She gets out a big cup from the cupboard- one of her aunt's, it has the Norwegian inscription " _de sterkeste er de som elsker_ " on it- and she puts her phone into it, making a makeshift speaker. 

"Da, Uvazhayemyye?" Trixie sets down the cup, puts her hand on Katya's cheek, and gives her an expectant smile. 

"Da, moye solntse," Katya says, placing a kiss on the inside of her wife's wrist. 

And then they dance together with Cyndi Lauper's _Time After Time_ playing from their makeshift speaker, knowing that it certainly won't be their last time doing just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm @predictableplottwist over at tumblr, and i'd love talking to you if you have the time and if you'd like to do just that. :) <3
> 
> a thank you to my beloved friend Tiril for being so supportive and the best ever.


End file.
